


unread

by flyingisabetterwordforfalling (FlyingFalling)



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Best Friends, Bisexual Male Character, Eventual Fluff, Eventual Relationships, Falling In Love, Fluff and Angst, Friendship, Friendship/Love, Gay Characters, Gay Male Character, How Do I Tag, Idiots in Love, Implied Relationships, Kylo Ren and Rey Are Related, Letters, Love Confessions, Love Letters, M/M, Multi, POV First Person, Possibly Unrequited Love, Slow Build, does this even count as modern it's Star Wars, one-sided Finn/Poe Dameron
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-06-22
Updated: 2016-06-25
Packaged: 2018-07-16 16:21:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,754
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7275145
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FlyingFalling/pseuds/flyingisabetterwordforfalling
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I almost told you the last time, wrote you but I did not. Not yet. Knowing one day I cannot keep all of this inside me for even a second longer, words I have wanted to say for so long. Somehow I am proud of myself, somehow I am not. I want to talk to you, write you every little thing I meant to say years ago.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Still, I'm sitting here staring at my computer screen. Waiting, waiting for the little light to turn green, to get the notification that you are there, online at the other end of this country. But you are not.  
I almost told you the last time, wrote you but I did not. Not yet. Knowing one day I cannot keep all of this inside me for even a second longer, words I have wanted to say for so long. Somehow I am proud of myself, somehow I am not. I want to talk to you, write you every little thing I meant to say years ago.

 

When you seemed to smile at me like that, when we sat on my couch, right next to each other, making fun of the movie I still cannot actually remember because you were there, more important than the plot of that random movie. I giggled when you poked me in the side, you have known where I am ticklish for so long, ever since we where children, still you use your knowledge for your advantage. You told me once you like it when I laugh. There are other memories, you looking at me like that, as if you did not even know back then what you wanted me to see in your eyes. What I am still seeing now is you, and I do not know if it is the right thing to do.  
I am so used to looking at you like that, I actually forgot what looking at you like a friend feels like. The moment I finally realised I had fallen for you, well it was too late to stop it. Thus, I still believe I have already ruined our friendship, years ago, little by little.

  
Even now I want to reach out, when we sit on the couch but sometimes you look startled as if it is the last thing I should ever think about doing. Then you tell me about a person you might be interested in, however get close to me in public even though there are people around us. Is it because you cannot stand the distance that separates us due to our different colleges?  
You give me your jacket, put it around my shoulders when I simply mention how cold it is. Do you think about what you are doing, even though you have never been a person to be that close to others? You know I am male, right? Not a girl you could be the perfect gentleman for, not that it is wrong to behave like that around other men.

We grew up together, have at least known each other for so long, I cannot think about a life without you by my side. Without you, or her. You are not just my closest, but also my best friends, have been since childhood.

  
I am so used to your smile, when you tell puns and make me smile. What I love most about it is the surprised look on your face as if you doubt anyone could laugh about your silly jokes. Still, I do because it is you telling them. I laugh because I think your puns are funny and because of your almost shy smile when I respond like that to you using words to create this wonderful sentences.  
You were there for me, still refuse most of the time that I do the same when you seem to need me to be there for you. You do not have to be brave for me, I have never seen you cry and I do not want to be the one to make you cry. After all these years I think you already know what I am feeling, still you are your polite and wonderful self. Maybe you already know... do you? Did you actually choose to ignore my feelings toward you for the sake of our friendship?  
All the others seem to know already, the one who introduced us knew right from the very beginning when I did not even fully understood what had changed. At least that is what she told me. She held me when I broke down. When we first met I saved you from the ones being mean to you, you came into the wrong neighbourhood and the other kids were faster then you. They beat you up, still you kept trying to protect me as I tried to break up your fight and together we managed to escape.

  
Then there is she, the most beautiful girl I have ever seen. Even though you have asked me again and again I cannot see her as anything other than a sibling, a little sister. I love her like that, as much as I would love her if she was my actual sister. I could not answer when you asked me if I loved you the same. I still hate myself for the pain in your eyes when I shook my head. Well, I did once. What was it like being your best friend, what was it like being almost something like a brother to you? Did you consider me as such? Do you?  
If you did or do, I will keep my feelings to myself as long as I have to, until they eventually stop to exist. Maybe you will hate me before then, it would hurt less then seeing you smile at me like that as if it was for the very reason, that I hope it would stand for.  
Because I managed to do something you should not do, I fell for my best friend. My very straight best friend. You flirt with everyone, because you know how to get what you want. Not because you enjoy flirting with other men. One day you even told me you like to flirt to crush all the clichés about manliness and masculinity, simply the ones about being a strong straight male and your are comfortable with your sexuatlity. Which is fine, still you confuse me.  
You held her hand when one of her closest relatives died, still you also held mine because all three of us had known him. You supported us through our grief, even though you were mourning just like us.  
  


She blushed when you wiped her tears away and kissed her cheek, a faint blush on your cheeks as well. When looking at me you had never blushed, at least not like that before. It was in that moment that I understood, you kept looking at your hands, when she grabbed one of them and held it between hers. I had never noticed it before then, the way you looked at her. It is not surprising that I never wanted to see it, see what was right in front of me. You were in love with her for so long, I had never seen you look at her differently, for the very reason that you had never looked at her differently. You fell in love with her when we were just children.  
She lay in my arms, sobbing about being broken when she started dating boys, but felt as if she could just not like them enough to fall in love with them. Years later she eventually tried dating girls and introduced me to her girlfriend a few monthss ago. She wanted to spear your feelings, was afraid to tell you a few days ago that she had finally found the girl she wanted to spent her life with. I guess she finally did-  
  


-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

  
Then I press delete as the little light finally turns green and I smile for a second when I notice you are typing already.  
  


"Hey buddy, whoa, since when do you write novels on here? Just give me a minute."  
  


Wrong button, how could this happen?

Within seconds I am offline.  
  
  
  
  


  
  


 


	2. Chapter 2

 

 ~~My dear F~~ Hi buddy,

 

~~I cannot fully understand... What~~

 

Why have you never told me what was going on, did you not trust me enough? ~~I would have~~ To be honest, I have no idea how to answer this. What do you say after one of your best friends, since childhood, tells you he has been in love with you for ages? I do not want to hurt you and I know this sounds like an awful apology letter.  
It is not supposed to be one, because I am not sorry. Not sorry for you being in love with me at least. You suspected that I knew all along, ~~how cruel do you think I am?!  
If I had known, I would never have Of course I~~ I love you and have loved you for so long as a friend, I am not sure if I could love you more than that, which sounds horrible phrased like that, even to me. Why did you never tell me in person? I could have seen your face and maybe hugged you after your confession. Maybe, I think I would have. ~~Would it have been mean of me wanting to do that?~~

  
I have cared about you, protected you for so long and I still care about you. Of course I do. Do you think staying quiet, keeping everything to yourself would have actually helped or changed the way I think about you. ~~One day I would have fallen in love with another person and broken your heart at the same time, without even knowing it. Or I could have~~ What do you see when I look at her? What do you think you have seen? I have seen my best friend, someone I care about as if we were actually related, siblings and I am so, so proud of her finally coming out and having such a lovely girlfriend. She could kick my ass if she wanted to even though she looks so sweet, which of course does not have to mean anything. I can find people attractive without wanting to be with them.

  
I never did tell the two of you my sexuality because I thought I did not have to. You and her are my best friends after all, I thought we understand each other even without talking. Yes, I am interested in girls, rather women but that does not mean I cannot like men as well. For a long time now I have liked one very much in particular.  
He is a fool for thinking I could never like him back. I care about him deeply, but I am not in love with him yet. I guess I will see him in about a month, or rather days after this letter is finally opened. I guess I am a coward as well, writing an actual letter instead of an e-mail. Hoping it will get lost along the way and never reach you.  
Still, I want you to read it. You deserve the truth and you should know better than assuming I could never love you back. I do love you, buddy, right now not the way you would like me to feel but I need time. This is not supposed to mean I have to force myself to fall in love, it is just that I always thought you would not want me to fall for you. I did not want to ruin our friendship and thus tried not to think too much about the chance of being with you, of us being more than friends.

So, before I screw this up, would you like to go on a date with me, when I come over in a month?

  
Lots of love.

 


	3. Chapter 3

Hi, I have not written for... a month? Sorry for that, I have been very busy lately. I am still so very sorry that I could not make it. And I still hope you had a great week with your family and without me. My mobile seems to hate me, I have send you so many texts during that week and at the moment I do not actually have an actual internet connection, my college may have everything a student could dream of but every technical thing does not work in the slightest. (I did not even think about contacting you in another way.) 

Sometimes I am actually surprised that you like such a rash fool like me... Around me technic simply does not work. Or at least not how it is supposed to work. But well, at least one in every twenty smartboards at my college works, at least to some extent. Right now I am not even there, so no stories about my professors screaming at computers this time. Today I had to borrow emo boy's boyfriend's laptop. Long story short: because a certain dark haired idiot threw a tantrum and destroyed our home router. 

After that I had to force him to let me tag along when he got out to visit the carrothead, they are still together by the way, right now he is sitting in the corner and glares at the wall. It should not feel this great to know that I have managed to cockblock them, but it does.   
Did I mention we live together now, that is why I wrote our home router, which should be obvious, ups – I have no clue, when or how our lovely ray of sunshine talked me into it, just because she wanted to move in with her girlfriend and needed to find someone who was willing to be her cousin's new roommate. His mum was against him wanting to move in with his boyfriend, she still does not like them being together -the whole family drama, but I am not the one to tell you about all this. You probably know it already anyway. 

I hope you have received the chocolate and the cute little plushie with the apolgy letter by now. If not, I am deeply sorry for standing you up like that. I promise I will write to you soon, at least when my mobile is working again. My new roommate may be an idiot but his boyfriend seems to be okay, somehow, right now he is trying to fix my phone. I think he does it because he feels bad for having such a weirdo as a partner who randomly destroys other people's stuff. 

Why do I live with him again? Right, because I could not say no to well-known puppy eyes and the girls jumping around the living room screeching about how happy they were to finally be able to end their long distance relationship and get a shared flat. Well, our little oddball was jumping around the room, with her laptop in her arms and her sweetheart jumped around her own room, her webcam showed at one point only her cat and she almost tripped over it. I have never seen our girl so much in love and maybe that is the reason I said yes. Please do not tell her I said that, she will never let me live that down. (By the way, she told me she already informed you why I could not write to you sooner. Did she mention she did not let me borrow her phone or even her laptop because she had literally been glued to both every since I agreed to the whole new living arrangements? I am not mad at her, mainly because she is so happy and smiles almost all the time and I have never seen her that excited about anything ever, not even her first sightseeing flight with her uncle when we were about ten.) 

I am kind of jealous, but at the same time it is okay that I cannot see you every time I want nothing more than being near you. We have known each other for so long and two months of not having seen each other does not feel that strange anymore. Maybe it just feels like that because I know you are waiting for me to fly over to see you, and hug you again -maybe more once we are both ready. How much I miss your hugs. You cannot imagine how much I miss them, how much I miss you. Well, I can only imagine or rather hope you do miss we like that as well. Carrothead is glaring at me right now, I think my phone is okay again. 

I miss you and I am counting the days until we see each other again. Once my phone is fine, I will write again. Until then, xoxo

**Author's Note:**

> I wanted to write a love letter without using a single name of the characters in the hope that I would finally get rid of my writer's block. I seem to write angsty stuff when I do not know what else to write, still I hope you liked reading it. -Now I've eventually decided to write a few chapters for this, therefore there will be a reaction/response. :)  
> This entire story will -mainly- be written as letters/in epistolary form.


End file.
